Nothing new to report. It all went just as you assumed it would.
Kevin C. Wilson. The “C” stands for “championships.” This is Kev’s fourth title, setting him apart from Cullen and Dan-O, who both have three. Kev’s now won nearly a quarter of our contests. In a 12-man league, he’s doing the work of three men.
The “C” stands for “consistency.” Kev’s in the running every single year. He’s finished top three in 70 percent of our showdowns, and only one time in 17 years has he finished in the bottom half of the standings (ninth place in 2015).
And alas, the “C” stands for “cunt.” We could have chosen “chalk” or “conservative” as c-word alternatives, but “cunt” is synonymous with “pussy,” and that’s just the only way to accurately describe what’s going on here. Excluding 8 vs. 9 and 7 vs. 10 matchups, Kev picked exactly one first-round upset. Just the one. He got it right (UC Irvine) because of course he did. He got a little fired up and picked two second-round upsets before he was able to catch his head and turn in an Elite 8 of all 1 and 2 seeds, as we’ve come to expect. As soon as this tourney got off to its most chalky start in recent memory, it was guaranteed that Kev would at the very least be in the hunt, which, coincidentally, rhymes with cunt.
Really, the “C” stands for “cash.” It’s headed Kev’s way, and the odds are that it will many more times for years to come.
The perfect foil to KC Dubbs and his William F. Buckley approach is Clark Wildenradt, another of our c-named contestants. Here, the “C” stands for “idiotic.” “Crazy” just doesn’t quite describe it. Clark turned in the single worst bracket in the history of our contest. He picked a 16 seed, two 15 seeds, a 14 seed, two 13 seeds, a 12 seed and an 11 seed all to advance to the second round. Clark’s wife was in labor – emergency-style – as the brackets were due. Maybe he thinks that’s an excuse? I don’t know. Postpartum depression? Regardless, that ain’t no kind of role modeling for the next generation. Mom and baby are doing well. Dad? Not so much. Dead last. End of the line. Ever thus…
And here’s how it looked:
Kevin: 83
Marc: 81
Brad: 77
Joe: 76
Ryan: 75
Rusty: 70
Matt: 69
Dan: 68
Trevor: 64
Jon: 62
Brennan: 60
Clark: 45
Breese’s spread of 15 over Clark marks the largest gap between last place and second-to-last in our history. The previous record was nine (2007 and 2015). Unbelievable. It’s a given then that the 38-point chasm between this year’s champion and bottom feeder is also a record.
Kev came within one point of our all-time high-water mark – 84 points in 2012. That year’s winner? Kevin C. Wilson.
Did you know that only one time in 17 years has Kev picked a seed other than one to win it all?
The “C” stands for “courage,” because despite all the name-calling, jabs and gibes, there stands Kevin, resolute in victory and rich as fuck. That’s $1,180 in career earnings.
With a Kiss,
Commissioner Sheforgen
