2021 Bracket Challenge Address

It’s been one hell of a year, man. You know that. Two years, in fact, since we’ve convened, you guys. That’s like 700 some odd days… I’d have to do the math.

While Covid has left 500,000 dead U.S. bodies in its wake, perhaps you’ve missed, in Paul Harvey’s words, “the rest of the story.” Blame it on blue light, the Chinaman, or Zoom fatigue; any way you slice it, folks are still feeling it. There’s another byproduct of the pandemic, and it’s called AOR. No, not that smoking hot, sassy, oh-so-brown congresslady from New York. I’m talking about Adult Onset Retardation, you guys, and one of our own is suffering.

I first met Jon Heinz in freshman Algebra class. His stringy, greasy mullet glistened as it reflected the cheap fluorescent lighting and he gnawed on his pen like a piece of beef jerky. He had a nice pair of Jordan VI’s, however, he’d removed them,  exposing his ill-fitting tube socks that hung from his size 13 feetus like a pair of pre-blown birthday balloons. And despite the warning on signs in 80% of establishments across the country, he was still receiving service from the public school system.

There was no doubt this kid was special. Thing is, he was actually rather charming, funny, and by no means a dummy. Often the author of keen observations, witticisms, and the like, his company was welcome, even sought. You didn’t need a plan to hang with Heinz. You’d just hang, and the rest was pure magic… self-generated humor and spontaneous human interaction, reading, reacting… no pre-meditated nonsense. Just like Coach Allen drew it up.

Well, things changed in 2020.

Per the latest edition of the Physician’s Desk Reference:

AOR (Adult Onset Retardation) is punctuated by two major symptoms:

1. Consumption and dissemination of digital trash.

Now a grown man, Jon Heinz, like most, would rather text than talk. The problem is the content, you guys. It’s been years since we accepted his use of “LOL” in lieu of punctuation. Winners adjust, after all… but let’s just examine a typical piece of content that Jon has consumed, and persistently disseminated, in the year 2020:

Guy rides in car with gumbo, without top

So, here we have a fellow who decided to ride in a car with a pot of gumbo. AND make a video of it. Can you believe it? But, hey, let’s get beyond the premise… and note that nothing happens. The gumbo doesn’t really spill. He just yaps about it and then calls and asks why there’s no top even though he knew there was no top when he entered the vehicle. Hmmmm. That’s some situation. And Jon shared it.

When I asked Jon why he deemed this absolute piffle “funny,” he exhibited another marker of an AOR sufferer:

2. Lashing out at those who question the digital trash you’ve disseminated

He gets upset, you guys. His hair doesn’t fall out, and you can still board him, but he gets upset. On a recent Thursday, Jon informed me that I was an “idiot” 13 times via text (one for each shoe size?). In fact, here he takes it a step further:

While the lack of true humor and associated aggression is at times infuriating, the high holidays demand that we be our best selves. It would be so easy, and perhaps satisfying, to tell Heinz to “getrekt” accompanied by a gif of SpongeBob SquarePants, but we must ask ourselves: What would Rick Majerus do? He would run the pick and roll to perfection, order up some onion rings, some fries, potato skins, wings, a couple of burgers, a few beers, a piece of chocolate cake… and only then, his appetite sated, would he find within his soul a slice of “compassion pie.”

Gimme the grease board and listen up, you guys. Here’s what we’re gonna draw up:

The entry fee has increased by $1 this year, with ALL proceeds going toward the AOR Foundation.

We’re gonna have a tournament this year, man. And, Gods willing, Jon is going to get the help he so desperately needs.

Now, the particulars:

Click here to join the group, man.

Link to Leaderboard once you’ve joined the group.

Please Venmo your $31 entry fee to @Marc-Sheforgen with haste.

And, lest we forget, the rafters:

2003 Jon Heinz
2004 Matt Cullen
2005 Matt Cullen
2006 Dan McClure
2007 Dan McClure
2008 Kevin C. Wilson
2009 Trevor Schmidt
2010 Dan McClure
2011 Brennan Hitpas
2012 Kevin C. Wilson
2013 Kevin C. Wilson
2014 Brennan Hitpas
2015 Matt Cullen
2016 Joe Fernandez
2017 Trevor Schmidt
2018 Jon Heinz
2019 Kevin C. Wilson
2020 The Chinaman
2021 ??????????

Reverently,

-Burkhalter