“Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty we are free at last.”
The Jayhawk flies again. Caged and grounded no more.
And soaring alongside, flying so close to the sun as if to be burned like Iccaurs, is league charter member and newest champion Marc Sheforgen. His days, weeks, years of anguish and suffering vanquished right alongside those of his beloved Jayhawks.
Peering up from the ground — staring in envy through a very expensive pair of sunglasses, his well-coiffed hair gently lapping against the collar of his goose-down vest like waves from his pool of tears — is the lone remaining charter member without a title, Ryan Dardis. Thoughts and prayers are surely appreciated. “A little T&P? Hanzen?”
To quote the once great Hanssierre, “You doubted me, and now I’m here.”
To quote the even greater late Kansas City blues legend Little Hatch, “Can’t nobody touch me.”
Once you’re in the rafters, Rybo, you’re there forever. You should see the view from up here. And the feeling. It’s, well, nearly indescribable. Like floating on a cloud of titties.
From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, we turn to the rather delicate, unfortunate and downright disgusting matter of Sam Osborne. Our newest league member finds himself on double-secret probation after only one year of competition. Before now, we had 20 years of beautiful rhythm, not to mention tradition. Never once did a competitor fail to submit his bracket. Never once.
There have been some close calls, sure. The time in 2017 when Dardis delivered his picks by telephone from the tarmac of the Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. He was embarking on a golf trip, you guys. Yes, during the tournament. Any wonder why he’s never won one? Still, even Ron has always delivered on time.
There was the matter in 2015 when Likens submitted his picks before the first TV timeout of the tournament’s first game, with the score still tied. He later admitted that he thought March Madness started in April. He too is in search of his first title.
And then, like poison to the well, we brought in Sammy the Snake. It took him only two years to sour a lifetime’s worth of work. No bracket submitted this year. Couldn’t get organized in time was the limp excuse offered. Not even sure how to process that, except to say this: Please accept this as a straight-up display of disrespect to you and your family. Sammy, it seems, doesn’t much care how you and yours feel. But, you know, he says “hi.”
One can only imagine the shame and humiliation of his sponsor, Matt Cullen. Nobody loves our competition more than Cullen, a three-time champion. To now have his character questioned by association — it’s gotta be tough, you guys. T&P for him as well.
As best he tried, Sammy can’t ruin our good time. Won’t let him. Fuck the tournament? No, more like “fuck yourself.”
Here’s what he missed:
Marc: 72
Rusty: 60
Clark: 58
Trevor: 58
Kevin: 56
Brad: 56
Matt: 50
Ryan: 50
Dan: 49
Jon: 47
Brennan: 45
Joe: 33
Sam: -0
It’s the largest spread between first and second our league has ever seen. Some are calling it the greatest bracket ever submitted. One guy referred to it as a “golden bracket.” Another muttered, “Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable.” Sam didn’t say a thing. Not even the courtesy of a reach-around.
Ever thus, Sam.
Rock Chalk!!
-Commissioner Sheforgen
