“Bullshit, Brad.” Anyone who knew Likens knows that his time in Lawrence was punctuated by visits from Mommy and Tommy. They’d arrive unannounced. Sort his clothes. Make his bed. Shit, his Mom once blasted into Cullen’s room with a vacuum as he and his ladyfriend lay nude. She didn’t give a fuck. And Tom, while a man of few words, was partial to one that starts with the letter “N,” as well as an oft-uttered phrase surely created out of necessity. “Bullshit, Brad.” And boy, was he spot-on.
Thursday, March 21. 10:30 a.m.
A High Holiday. The scene is set. We’re mere minutes from the start of another glorious tournament, and what do you know, Likens hasn’t turned in his bracket. Commissioner Sheforgen will have to take time out of his busy workday to track the motherfucker down. He calls three times. Nothing. He texts three more times. Crickets. Unimpressed but also unabashed, he calls Brad’s secretary, who has no information regarding Brad’s whereabouts. She chuckles audibly when Commissioner Sheforgen asks, “is it normal for him to be this late?”
Likens returns Shef’s call at 11:08 am. Says he just woke up. Can’t access the bracket. Says he never saw an email. Shef confirms that the address to which the invite was sent is in fact Brad’s primary and active account. Shef asks if he’s visited the website that has chronicled 20+ years of beautiful tradition. The instructions are right there; they always have been. Likens is ignorant and genuinely unfamiliar. The first game has already tipped, you guys.
Commissioner Sheforgen, understandably, breaks it down like only he and Uncle Junior know how. Tells Likens that while he’s loved, he behaves like a selfish, unaware, sociopathic, entitled cunt. And Commissioner Sheforgen is not wrong.
What else can we say besides “what in the actual hell is wrong with the rest of us?” Because this cunt, this unaware, sociopathic, entitled cunt has hung a banner. Granted, Mommy and/or Tommy filled out the bracket but, nevertheless, the motherfucker has (on paper) won the 2024 KIITF Bracket Challenge.
HE DOESN’T EVEN READ THE FAMILY LITERATURE.
And before anybody starts up, sanctions were rendered. Sanctions were most definitely rendered. Likens received no credit for the Michigan St vs Mississippi St matchup or any associated advancement thereafter. But is it enough? So hard to really say. And so hard to digest… like that piece of gum you swallowed when you were 9 years old. It’s just gonna sit there, you guys… festering like an open sore.
And so it goes. We must look inward. But, to be completely forthright, at least every charter member (besides Brad) can claim a legitimate title… oh, Brad and Rybo, that is. What’s his major malfunction? He sells solutions, but does he even know what they are? Or how to apply them to a real life situation? The question is rhetorical, of course. Please.
Disgusted and disgruntled, we turn our eyes toward the rafters to acknowledge past champions. Past champions plus one fucking asshole whose title will forever be accompanied by an asterisk.
2003 Jon Heinz
2004 Matt Cullen
2005 Matt Cullen
2006 Dan McClure
2007 Dan McClure
2008 Kevin C. Wilson
2009 Trevor Schmidt
2010 Dan McClure
2011 Brennan Hitpas
2012 Kevin C. Wilson
2013 Kevin C. Wilson
2014 Brennan Hitpas
2015 Matt Cullen
2016 Joe Fernandez
2017 Trevor Schmidt
2018 Jon Heinz
2019 Kevin C. Wilson
2021 Dan McClure
2022 Marc Sheforgen
2023 Kevin C. Wilson
2024 Brad Likens*
“Bullshit, Brad.” Total fucking bullshit.
