Keep it in the Family

Click here to take the eye test, man.

Happy high holiday, man.

We’ve approached the base of the great mountain. The summit is in sight. Let’s take this hill.

2016 KIITF bracket info coming very soon…

“One for the middle finger, you guys!” So proclaimed our champion, adding a third ring and banner to his impressive collection. Matt Cullen’s first title in 10 years puts him in exclusive company along with Kevin C. Wilson and Daniel McClure as our only three-time champs.

It was a wire-to-wire win for Cullen, but did it ever come down to the wire. Brown Joe – long left for dead after a pedestrian start for his bracket – went to the whip late and charged hard. Brown never lost his cool. He hasn’t since toddlerhood. Instead, he waited it out and ended up as the only participant to pick a perfect championship game pairing. That set up a Monday final duel for the ages. For just the second time in our championship’s history, the title came down to the total points tiebreaker. For a moment it looked as if we might have our first opportunity to go to the second-tier tiebreaker (as spelled out in the league bylaws): a live, in-person fistfight. But it wasn’t to be. Cullen picked 134, Brown 144. Final total score: 131.

Charter member Ryan Dardis attempted to stick his nose where it don’t belong – the hall of champions – only to have it pinched in the slamming door as order was restored. You’d like to respect how close he came and the manner in which he did. A perfect Final Four (the only one to do so), including the 7-seed Michigan State Spartans. Rusty also had the Spartans in the Final Four, which leads to the likelihood that Rybo copied Rusty. We’ll continue to recognize Dardis as a fraud until he’s proven otherwise.

Nine of our 12 participants picked the same champion – Kentucky. That’s the most-ever for a common-pick champion. Ten of us chose Kansas in 2010 (f*ckin’ Farokhmanesh). In both cases, it’s the outliers who’ve won. For the second year in a row, nobody correctly predicted the national champion.

It’s important to disclose that participant Brad Likens technically did not submit his picks before tip-off of the first game. Turns out, he thought the tournament started in April even after acknowledging his familiarity with the term “March Madness.” Nevertheless, a quorum of league members was quickly formed and a decision made to allow his late picks to be entered on the safe assumption that they were of no threat. The picks were activated before the first TV timeout of the first game and with the score tied. Likens was also the last to pay. He is hereby on probation.

Let’s roll out the results:

Matt: 80
Joe: 80
Ryan: 73
Jon: 72
Clark: 72
Marc: 72
Dan: 70
Brad: 70
Kevin: 70
Rusty: 68
Trevor: 68
Brennan: 59

And that’s that.

Listen, a-holes, I’ve won bracket pools before, OK? Won one last year, as a matter of fact. A bonus-points-for-upsets job. Just ’cause I haven’t won this one, doesn’t mean I can’t pick winners. Cause I can. Let’s get that straight.

I’m not going to speculate on the resume of Captain Ron Dardis (our only other charter member without a win) other than to say empty wagons make a lot of noise.

Per our tradition, every seventh year we adjust for inflation. Let’s take it up another $5, shall we? That brings us to $30 per man plus whatever PayPal fees might pop up. It brings our winner-take-all pot to $360, assuming everyone meets our before-Thursday’s-first tip-off deadline.

That’s terrific, but I am very busy as I can imagine you are. Look, we all are. Ryan Dardis was reportedly “in and out of conference rooms and taxi cabs every day last week.” So, let me not waste any more of your time.

Cast your focus upon the unvanquished and their feats of fortitude.

2003 Jon Heinz
2004 Matt Cullen
2005 Matt Cullen
2006 Dan McClure
2007 Dan McClure
2008 Kevin C. Wilson
2009 Trevor Schmidt
2010 Dan McClure
2011 Brennan Hitpas
2012 Kevin C. Wilson
2013 Kevin C. Wilson
2014 Brennan Hitpas
2015 ?

These men are champions. I won’t any longer hide my desperation to join their ranks.

“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change.”

That’s William Burroughs, you jags.

He lived in Lawrence, you know? And so did I.

And so did I.

Let’s take this hill!

Our brackets reside here. The league password is 1609. Keep that to yourselves.

-Commissioner Sheforgen

There’s a saying in Breese’s secondary business of property acquisition: When there is blood on the streets, buy property.

He’s long applied that same shrewd and calloused approach to his primary bracketeering investments. Breese preys on futility. He’s a vulture is what he is. When shit goes south – when the goddamned plane crashes into the mountain – look for Breese to be circling above.

In 2011, Breese won it all with the lowest winning point total in league history after the mid-majors crashed the Final Four. And now, just two years later, he’s done it with the third-lowest total when a 7 and 8 seed squared off for the championship. When there’s blood, there’ll be Breese. His picking of number one seed Arizona to win it all was a clever disguise. But anyone paying attention had to understand that as the one seeds fell, as the powerhouses burned, Breese – always calm, never rattled – looked evermore secure.

Breese nailed five of the final eight – tied with just two others for the best in that department – and he got one of the Final Four in a year when everyone had either one or zero. Looks pretty pedestrian on the surface. But somehow he’s got himself an algorithm; when you’re crying, he’s smiling. I don’t know how he sleeps. But I’ll bet it’s on a really expensive bed. This is Breese’s second title, you know.

Would you believe that Brad Likens has finished runner-up four years in a row? Incredible, actually. And yet, history only remembers him as a loser. He’s yet to hang a single banner. Enjoy the door prize.

Here’s how it shook out:

Brennan: 67
Brad: 63
Rusty: 61
Ryan: 60
Marc: 58
Kevin: 57
Trevor: 56
Matt: 54
Joe: 53
Dan: 53
Clark: 53
Jon: 51

And that’s the way it went.

Here’s to our family! Till next year…

The well’s run dry. I don’t have much to say.

Except for this…Winners adjust. It’s right here on the website.

Kevin C. Wilson adjusts.

Dan Dan-O McClure adjusts.

Matt Cullen adjusts.

And that’s it. Those are our multiple-title winners. The rest of you – losers. That’s by definition. I’m not casting any aspersions. Some of you are worse than others, maybe only mini-losers, given that you’ve hung one banner.

The sun don’t shine on the same dog’s ass everyday. That’s from Hoosiers, you know. Did you a-holes even watch it this year?

We’ve had 11 tourneys and eight have been won by the same three guys.

Pardon the vulgarity, but what kind of pussies are you guys anyway?

Sorry about that.

You know what? I’m not. I’m tired is what I am.

Sick.

And.

Tired.

You’re soft is what you are. Soft. You’re gonna let some goateed, basement stoner come in here and push you around; take what’s yours? Stand up for yourselves, for Christ’s sake. How ’bout a little effort? Anyone among us got any pride?

Ryan Dardis and Marc Sheforgen have been in this league for 11 years. Neither have hung a banner. It’s all a joke, isn’t it Ryan? Yeah, yuck it up.

Wait a second. You know what? You can yuck it up on the goddamned bench.

And now let’s look at those who’ve kicked your ass. Look, damnit!

2003 Jon Heinz
2004 Matt Cullen
2005 Matt Cullen
2006 Dan McClure
2007 Dan McClure
2008 Kevin C. Wilson
2009 Trevor Schmidt
2010 Dan McClure
2011 Brennan Hitpas
2012 Kevin C. Wilson
2013 Kevin C. Wilson
2014 ? (or should I just write “Kevin C. Wilson”?)

Same same on league rules and scoring. We start with Thursday’s games. Picks and money by then or else. It’s $25 plus whatever PayPal charges. Winner take all.

Custody of the brackets and scoring is CBS’ problem. Access the league at http://kiitf.mayhem.cbssports.com/. As you know, the league password is 1609.

Ever thus to deadbeats, you guys.

-Commissioner Sheforgen

2014 KIITF Bracket Challenge info coming very soon…

So much for the sophomore slump. Second-year sensation Rusty Gundrum followed up a second-place finish last year with a championship this year. He doubled down on a couple of #4 seeds and they both hit big as the Michigan duo of Trey Burke (3rd overall of drafted players) and Glen Robinson III (7th) and the ‘Cuse combo of Michael Carter-Williams (9th) and Brandon Triche (12th) carried Rusty to the 2013 Fantasy March Madness Player Draft championship. It was a very impressive performance indeed and when you throw in Duke’s Mason Plumlee (11th) it makes a total of five top-12 players for the new king of the block.

At one point it appeared that an up-and-coming Corey Dardis was in line to claim the crown, but in the end it was not to be. Despite an amazing run from tournament leading scorer and hands down the steal of the draft Mitch McGary and a standout performance from Syracuse’s C.J. Fair (6th) Corey came up 19 points short of the title.

Here are the full standings:
1. Rusty 936 pts
2. Corey 917 pts
3. Kevin 764 pts
4. Stoltz 684 pts
5. Brennan 649 pts
6. Heinz 621 pts
7. Shef 611 pts
8. Rybo 556 pts
9. Trev 511 pts
10. Cullen 414 pts

So without further ado please direct your eyes to the rafters to honor our current and past champions:

2005: Matt Cullen
2006: Kevin C. Wilson
2007: Kevin C. Wilson
2008: Kevin C. Wilson
2009: Jon Heinz
2010: Marc Sheforgen
2011: Trevor Schmidt
2012: Kevin C. Wilson
2013: Rusty Gundrum

With a total of $250 in the pot Rusty will get $200 for 1st-place and Corey will get $50 for 2nd-place. Well played boys.

Let me know if anyone has any questions and thanks for playing.

Kev

Like a searing load across the brow.

So we’re left to pick up the pieces of our dignity, having been owned – again – by Kevin C. Wilson.

The “C” stands for “champion,” you guys. OK?

There’s this guy, Mighty Marsh…Jason, I think, is his given handle. Anyway, a real reactionary. But he dominates Fantasy Football like none before or since. And I can honestly say, if not for Marsh, Kevin C. Wilson would be the undisputed greatest fantasy mind of our generation. He’s certainly the closest thing we’ve got to “pro” in our miserable ranks. What can you say? Last year, I said he only won it ’cause the favorites did well. Well, he log-jammed a pile of crow straight down my gullet this year. We had a collective seed total of 18 in the Final Four, the third highest in our 11 years of doing business. There was a 15 seed in the Sweet 16 for the first time ever. Seven double-digit seeds advanced to the second round. By the numbers, this was the most upset-prone tournament since the field went to 64. The most upsets ever! And surveying the carnage from on high stands Kevin. He cuts down nets. It’s what he does. Yeah, Kevin picked the overall number one seed to win it all. By the way, they did. But even if Louisville had lost in the Elite Eight, Kevin would have won. Let’s call it like it is: Your $25 were gone the day you sent them in. Am I wrong?

Kevin has never finished in the bottom half of the standings. Never. But just to show you there is still luck involved, Brad Likens finished in second place for the third year in a row. And it’s the second time he’s lost by just one point. He’s yet to win a title.

Peep the final standings:

Kevin: 70
Brad: 69
Rusty: 65
Dan: 63
Trevor: 63
Matt: 63
Ryan: 60
Clark: 57
Marc: 54
Jon: 53
Brennan: 50
Joe: 50

So, $300 are headed Kevin’s way.

Is anyone gonna stand up to this guy?

By the numbers:

We’ve dished $2,105 since 2003. With a winner-take-all format, half of us have only paid in. But after 10 years, there are others who’ve gotten a little something going to help along their drug, drinking and/or gambling habits. A look at our career money leaders:

Dan McClure: $635
Kevin C. Wilson: $520
Matt Cullen: $300
Trevor Schmidt: $275
Brennan Hitpas: $275
Jon Heinz: $100

As you see, some 55 percent of the proceeds have gone to just 17 percent of our current roster. This is approaching KU v. K-State-like disproportions. Somebody’s got to do something. It’s safe to assume that won’t be myself or Ryan Dardis who’ve invested a combined $440 without a cent returned. Oh, and Likens, who fears variety, and condiments.

I hereby propose the following amendment to the league’s constitution: League hosting duties will fall to the longest-standing member without a championship. I’ll continue to bear the cross until the good lord sees to it to ease my burdened mind. Should that day come, and should Dardis still be in search of his first title at that point, he’d then wear the yellow star of hosting for all to see. From there, it would fall to the next most senior member without a banner and so on for eternity. If anyone objects, please say so now.

We again get things going with Thursday’s games. We won’t count the play-in games. All of the scoring and rules remain the same, and we’ll stay with a $26 entry (one dollar going towards a PayPal fee) and $300 pay-out. A PayPal request will be coming. Any league news or updates will be shared via the KIITF website (kiitf.thecullens.com). Would be nice to get some banter brewing there as well.

Access the league here.
Our league password is: 1609

And now, a look at those who’ve sniffed the crotch of glory:

2003 Jon Heinz
2004 Matt Cullen
2005 Matt Cullen
2006 Dan McClure
2007 Dan McClure
2008 Kevin C. Wilson
2009 Trevor Schmidt
2010 Dan McClure
2011 Brennan Hitpas
2012 Kevin C. Wilson
2013 ?

Reportedly greeted by a chorus of boos from Mizzou fans, Coach Self responds with a solo shot on the first offering.

It’s been cloudy today at the crossroads, so I can’t confirm whether or not the sun came up this morning. But operating on assumption, we’ll take stock in the life-goes-on cliche.

Few have been more adept at hedging their bets than Kevin C. Wilson. He’s long been a student of the no risk, no re-risk school. Generally speaking, when the favorite wins it, KC Dubbs is at the very least in contention. In the last four years that a one seed has won the tournament, Kevin has finished no lower than third. Two of those years, he won. By contrast, in the years since 2005 when a number one seed has not won the whole thing, Kevin’s average finish has been 5.5. The man likes favorites. And there ain’t a damn thing wrong with that. It’s about winning. Actually, this year Kevin picked five first-round underdogs, by far his most to date.

Along the way, Kevin’s applied something of a roulette-like strategy to his brackets, always seeming to have all the colors covered. This year was his most masterful. By successfully predicting Kentucky to beat Kansas in the finals, KC Dubbs – as passionate a Hawks fan as is among us – positioned himself for either an epic celebration or a $300 consolation prize. Not bad. Not bad. Both Kevin and Clark Wildenradt picked three of the Final 4 and the correct championship pairing. It came down to the final game. But Clark went all-in, picking KU to win.

Now adding to his 2008 title, Kevin joins Matt Cullen and Dan McClure as owners with multiple rings. Elite company, indeed. Or is it? Turns out, we’ve got the same number of multiple champions as we do one-time winners. We need some parity.

Two sources not likely to provide it would be me and Ryan Dardis, the only league charter members without a title. For shame.

Meanwhile, Brad Likens has now finished second two years in a row, proving that even when there’s chalk, there are going to be upsets.

Our final tally:

Kevin: 84
Brad: 75
Jon: 75
Clark: 75
Dan: 68
Brennan: 66
Matt: 66
Ryan: 66
Joe: 66
Marc: 65
Trevor: 57
Rusty: 50

Kevin: The loot will be on its way.

And so it was in the 10th annual Keep It In The Family Prognostication Showdown. Stay strong…for your children.

Just another Final Four. No big deal.

Hey, man. Happy holiday. Hope you took work off and stuff. You owe it to yourself to enjoy the tourney on your terms. See what kind of bold flavors are in the fridge. Hopefully, the works. You deserve it, man.

Years ago, a number of KIITF coaches traded power moves in a FAXBL (Fucking Awesome XBox Basketball League). Nobody really remembers who won. It was probably Stoltz. Nevertheless, the artifacts remain…

Bruins Travel to 1997, Return Victorious

Special “Ron” Double Issue

Wordplay Banned, Coach Speechless